


the true meaning of christmas according to a bunch of dipshits

by avosettas



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Even though 3/4 of these guys are Jewish by my headcanon, Holidays, Humanstuck, Multi, The True Meaning of Christmas, dick jokes., i got no more tags its just dirk being an asshole about christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-25 12:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22256320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avosettas/pseuds/avosettas
Summary: “The agreement,” Cronus says moodily, “was that we could put up decorations as soon as your birthday passed. It’s been seven days, babe.”
Relationships: Cronus Ampora & Eridan Ampora, Cronus Ampora/Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jake English/Dirk Strider/Eridan Ampora
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8
Collections: Polyswap Winter Promptfest - Dusk Edition





	the true meaning of christmas according to a bunch of dipshits

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [auxanges](https://archiveofourown.org/users/auxanges/pseuds/auxanges) in the [Polyswap_Winter_Promptfest_Dusk_2020](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Polyswap_Winter_Promptfest_Dusk_2020) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> **What do you get when you cross four horribly adjusted and minorly unhinged dudes and shove them into a cramped apartment full of questionable holiday spirit? Probably not someone's dick in a box but it's gonna go about that smoothly one can imagine (and one does)  
>  Many points for dirk just bullshitting holiday traditions. He has a december birthday and isolation complexes up the ass and the braincell has not been tossed to him yet this fiscal quarter. Everyone eventually has a good time, how they get there is up to you and god  
> (Putting explicit in case you want to go split pea and ham on these bad boys)**
> 
> THROWS THIS IN BEFORE THE COLLECTION CLOSES I LOVE YOU AUX!!!!

Every morning, the menorah is moved from the windowsill. Every. Morning. 

At first, you blame your brother. “Wasn’t me, swear it,” he says nervously, raising his placatingly. 

You lower the lighter you were brandishing at him. “Well, who’s fuckin’ movin’ it then, Cro?” 

Dirk chooses to come out of the bathroom at this exact moment. He’s not really dressed - still wearing his pajamas, which are just a tank top and fuzzy pants with robots on them. They look like they belong to a little kid. “Oh, you’re the one putting the menorah up? Dude, Hanukkah isn’t ‘til, like, the twenty-third. It’s the tenth.” 

“The agreement,” Cronus says moodily, “was that we could put up decorations as soon as your birthday passed. It’s been seven days, babe.” 

“Also, stop touchin’’ my menorah!” You try to say it meanly, but it really comes out more like a whine. Cronus snorts. 

You place it, very gently, back on the front windowsill. It’s electric - safer for the tiny apartment you share with your boyfriends and your brother - but it used to be your Nan’s, so you aren’t letting anyone else put their grubby hands on it. Even if they are your boyfriends. 

Cronus automatically doesn’t get to touch it. He renounced religion as “a bunch of vapid bullshit” when he went through some weird phase and doesn’t have much to do with it now. 

“I just don’t see the point,” Dirk shrugs. “We’re celebrating the birthday of some guy who didn’t exist, probably, and in _our_ case, we’re fucking Jewish, man.” 

“Well,” Cronus sidles up to Dirk. “I’d certainly like to fuck Jewish.” 

You close your eyes and breathe deeply. Your therapist (and Feferi) both made you _promise_ to stop taking your anger out violently. You probably should’ve warned them about the crappy pickup lines your brother uses on the guys in your little polycule, though. 

They’d probably accept it, then. 

~

You help Jake put up the tree later that day. The main reason it’d taken this long was because you’d needed to get a new tree. 

Cronus watches from next to the window that’s wide open, letting in air just above freezing - he’s smoking, and the rest of you have forbidden him from doing it without a window open. Dirk is sorting through Jake’s frankly ridiculous collection of Christmas ornaments.  
“Christmas isn’t for two weeks,” he grumbles, pulling out something made of felt. He stares at it for a minute, shares a glance with you, and then continues, “Jake, what the fuck is this supposed to be?” 

“Hm?” Jake is trying (and failing) to put together the stupid artificial tree he’d brought home yesterday from god-knows-where. When he finally gets the first and second parts attached, he looks to the ornament Dirk is holding. “Oh, my cousin made that for me.” 

Cronus kneels next to Dirk, cigarette still dangling out of his mouth. “But what _is_ it?” From your spot next to Jake, it looks like a blue, strangely shaped dog. 

“Here.” Jake holds his hands out, and Dirk tosses the felt ornament to him. “You were holding it wrong.” 

Now it looks like a blue… tree? 

“Still not seein’ it, babe,” Cronus shakes his head. Jake looks at you, and you just bite your lip and look out the window to avoid meeting his eyes. 

“It’s Neytiri! From _Avatar_!” 

Dirk and Cronus groan, and Cronus actually throws himself onto his back to be overdramatic. 

“That’s staying in the box,” Dirk says. Cronus is still muttering curses from his spot on the floor. Once again, Jake looks to you for support. 

“I don’t see it. Got anything else from your cousin?” 

_Nice distraction_ , Cronus mouths, sitting up slightly. You wish you had something to throw at him besides the fragile ornaments Jake’s sifting through. 

“Here!” This one is white, and definitely a dog. Unless your glasses need adjusting again. “Joey made this for me after she got better at felting, it’s her dog.” 

“Oh thank fuck, this one’s actually a dog,” you mutter. 

“And it belongs on the tree… why?” Dirk asks exasperatedly. 

“Well, aren’t you just a regular party pooper!” Jake replies without really answering his question. 

~

Later, after marathoning Indiana Jones (and falling asleep halfway through _Raiders_ ), you’re staring at the ceiling with Jake hogging your blankets. 

“Wonder what’s got Dirk in such a tizzy about the holidays,” he slurs tiredly. 

“Dunno,” you respond, considerably more clear. “He didn’t seem too excited about his birthday, either.” 

“Wish he’d at least let us have our fun,” Jake says. Then he rolls over and snores loudly, effectively ending the conversation. 

~

Thankfully, your menorah is in the right spot this morning. Dirk is chewing some toast absentmindedly when you arrive in the kitchen after checking to make sure every last bulb is in order. 

“Mornin’.” Crumbs, everywhere. 

“Good morning,” you sigh, leaning down to peck him on the cheek. “Gettin’ crumbs everywhere.” 

“That’s me, messiest guy this side of the Prime Meridian, bro.”

“Hey,” Cronus walks in as you search the fridge for food, half dressed (not unusual) and cigarette-less (unusual). “You have any brain cells left, Dirk?” 

You have to hide your face in the fridge to keep from laughing. Dirk blinks almost boredly. “Nah, Hal and I share and we swap which breaks we keep it on. He won the coin toss for this winter break. ‘S okay though, I get it half the semester.” 

“You need a brain cell to celebrate the holidays, though?” Cronus snorts. “Like, is that why you’re being such a Scrooge?” 

“Scrooge is an antisemitic characiture and I don’t appreciate being compared to him as a Jew.”

“A Grinch.” You supply, finally pulling some half-melted frozen waffles from the fridge and sticking them in the toaster.

“Better.” Dirk agrees. “I just don’t see the point.” 

“It’s fun,” Cronus says, exaggeratedly waving his hands around. “Also Jake likes it and Christmas music is the shit, babe!” 

“Are we talking about Dirk’s disinclination towards celebrating the holidays?” Jake wanders in, toothbrush in hand. 

“Yes,” you and Cronus reply. Dirk just grimaces. 

“I mean…” Dirk looks very uncomfortable for a minute. “I did get everyone presents. Just. Didn’t know my complaining was making y’all annoyed.” 

“Strider, you’re an idiot sometimes.” Jake rolls his eyes. “Is it the birthday thing? Because my birthday is in December too, remember?” 

Dirk shrugs. “Eh. Less that and more I just don’t get it.” 

“We’ll figure it out,” you reply, staring at the toaster, because your stupid waffles aren’t done yet. 

“Good thing you got presents though, I got you something great.” Cronus winks. 

“If you wake me up on Christmas with your dick in a box, I will throw you out into the snow.”


End file.
